How do we navigate in the seas of grief?

A year we have seen many departures, this particular one caught me off guard.

The clock stopped for him on 25th April 2013. It was 16th of March in the year of the Water Snake on the lunar calendar. Funny how we held on to these numbers, when they don’t matter once we passed over.

It was sudden: we chose to let him go without further operations. All of us fought with him since last year when he went for his bypass surgery. He never recovered completely. He was in a lot of pain. We couldn’t do anything and we were afraid. He was helpless and lonely because only he could felt it. Last night, he packed up and prepared for his next journey. The body, his vessel of 53 years which he docked here, would be left with us. The guides who hold the lights would help him see in the dark. A ship has arrived to ferry him away and he would see brilliance in the world, feel the breeze in his hair, and lightness in his footsteps. Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. It has been difficult for us. It may be part of a process we do not neccessary understand, but we will see through for the better of him. We will be fine just as he will be.

8 years on and he has sailed far away from us. Yet I never strayed from the path that leads to him. Because they said not to travel far from your parents while they are around. Here I am, walking in circles, trying to make sense of the life that was handed to me, and trying not to think how it would slip through my fingers when my time is up?

Will he be waiting by my side, and tell me, “I told you so?” in his loud, cheery voice?

Or would all be a dream, when I wake up as a 12 year old again, and he would yell at me to take his car so he could drop me off for my classes?

I don’t know. And I never knew him. I don’t know how our reunion will look like. Isn’t that sad and laughable?

Will he ever forgive me?